Iris
by Starysky205
Summary: Warning: Major character death. This is an au where Evan's way of dealing with his depression is very different from the one in cannon, he meets Connor earlier, and they both proceed to be terrible influences on one another. Contains suicide idealization, you've been warned
1. I

The titles are just the lyrics of the song, and might not have much to do with what happens in the chapters

Shout out at chchchchcherrybomb for writing the fic that gave me this idea, I'm not sorry

* * *

I. And I'd give up forever to touch you

Connor Murphy met Evan Hansen in rehab.

Sure, the guy had been Connor's classmate for years now, but that was the first time Connor paid any attention to him; he probably snapped at him a few times, but he didn't count that, and Hansen seemed to be ignoring those as well.

Maybe it was because Hansen was the only thing close to familiar in the place, and Connor most likely had a similar effect on the shorter boy, but the two gravitated towards each other during their stay there.

For a place such as this: it was fairly easy to get some alone time away from prying ears, enough to make confessions, to build connections, and to convince each other that this was bullshit, not that Connor didn't think that already, but he was a bit surprised at how little Hansen cared about his own life; it's in one of these conversations that they make their promise.

They wouldn't be able to go through it immediately, no, if they wanted this to work then they had to make it seem like they were better, like they were making an effort, so no one would be there to stop them.

Once they were free, they arranged a time and place, and they arranged a story, once everyone was convinced, they would set off, in a road trip that would mark their last year on earth. When Connor crossed ways with Evan on school all he got was a nod of acknowledgement, but they kept contact through mail, keeping each other on target, it felt like having an ally.

With the constant reminder of their end goal, Connor was able to deal better with high school, and during the break Evan and Connor started their act. It wasn't really much of an act, Evan and Connor knew enough about each other, and they trusted each other to some degree, playing friends was easy enough; to their families they met through a school project and just sort of clicked, and even though they had known each other for longer nobody questioned it.

Evan's presence made Connor less prone to anger; Connor's presence was like backup to Evan; so it made sense that their respective families would think they were good influences on the other.

So when the two broke in the news that they wanted to go on a road trip after they graduated, everyone was none the wiser, talking about how good the experience was going to be for them, Larry went as far as saying that every man had to go on a journey at some point, Evan's complete amusement at the statement went unnoticed to everyone but Connor. The Murphys insisted to pay for any activities the two wanted to engage in, telling Heidi it was the least they could do to thank Evan for bringing so much joy to Connor's life, it took a bit of convincing, but she eventually accepted.

They finished senior year mostly out of spite, or at least that's what Evan told Connor to do, he was a very convincing person behind closed doors; and once they were well away from their weeping families, and onto the road they exchanged looks and laughed.

In between laugh-laced breaths, came the question

"So, what's first on the list?"


	2. II

Their relationship isn't a healthy one, sure, it's a two way street, but that doesn't make it good

* * *

II. 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow

"So, what's first on the list?"

"It's on the glove box"

Connor stretches a hand over to unlock it, he gets a side-glare for that.

"You and your amazing hiding spots"

Evan's voice drips with sarcasm. Connor smiles knowingly, eyes never leaving the road.

"Ah, there you are, I was starting to worry"

Connor knows without looking that Evan rolls his eyes at him

Instead of retorting like Connor knows he wants to, Evan busies himself searching for the piece of paper, he finds the list easily enough; it's been filled up progressively, on the high hours where neither could sleep. But Evan is sitting to tensely, and Connor knows the look in his eyes by heart, he puts his hand on Evan's thigh and squeezes lightly.

"It's me Ev, I know you better than yourself; you don't have to worry"

Evan sags at this, sighing; he wraps a hand around Connor's and intertwines their fingers.

"I know, I know"

They've gotten close, it was inevitable, really, Connor can't pin point the moment when they felt comfortable enough for physical contact, but it feels grounding like few things do anymore, like Evan is the only real thing left in the world.

"We can do this in the next town; wear your preferred style of clothing for a day"

"That's one of yours, right?"

Connor sees Evan nod from the corner of his eye, Connor's never been one to deny himself of the clothing he likes; but he understands that Evan is different.

"I'm guessing the nice boy aesthetic isn't really your style, but what is?"

Evan flushes at this, Connor should really stop side eyeing him when he's driving.

"I uh… I've always wanted to try Goth clothing"

His voice does that thing where it gets higher pitched as he goes, which makes the sentence sound like a question; Connor blinks wordlessly.

"You know what, forget it, it was a stupid idea any-"

"No"

"What?"

"Nope, this needs to happen"  
Evan sags in defeat, and looks elsewhere, hands fidgeting.

"I-I… I may have an outfit?"

He says the last bit under his breath but Connor catches it, he grins broadly, taking the turn that will get them to a town, he picks one far enough that he doubts they'll run into any classmates, but they went away the day after graduation, so it's a possibility.

He quickly finds them a place to stay, and some info on what to visit here, once they are in the room, Evan disappears to the bathroom with his suitcase.

Connor sits on the bed, scrolling through his phone while Evan changes, the idea of Evan Hansen, of all people, dressed in dark colors, is a very interesting one. He heard a door opening and stood up, but as soon as he looked over Connor was frozen in place.

There's Evan, wearing a pure white t-shirt with frills leading to the neck, a pair of short black boots, he was also wearing knee-high bright blue socks, which Connor could see because, most importantly, he was wearing a dark blue skirt.

Connor stares dumbfounded-ly as the blond makes his way over, stopping in front of him looking sheepish.

"Holly fuck"

Well, at least Connor's vocal chords and mouth still work, too bad his brain is fried.

"Is… is that good?"

"You look hot"

"Oh"

He holds out the list, positively glowing.

"The next one is to act like the reckless teenagers we are"

"Ah, that one's mine"

Evan smirks then, something dangerous in his eyes.

"Wanna get in trouble bad boy?"

Connor licks his lips, nodding excitedly

"Let's"


	3. III

You'll think me odd, but I've always wanted to write a story like this

They laugh a lot in this fic; I may or may not be a bit messed up

Does the US have random supermarkets in the middle of the highway, or is that just an Argentinean thing?

* * *

III. You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

In the next few hours they find increasingly more risky things to do that get close to being illegal without actually crossing the line; one of said things involves 'borrowing' a shopping cart and riding it down as many slopes as possible, taking turns over who went inside the cart, and then returning it before escaping through the side fence of the shop; another had them almost convincing an entire fast food restaurant of joining in a food fight, only for a well-dressed man to step out of the employees only room, causing the room to fall deathly silent, and leaving Connor and Evan to laugh uncontrollably once he disappears through the same door and everyone resumes what they were doing; amongst other things.

By the time they make it back to the hotel they're breathing wildly, grinning from ear to ear, they throw themselves on their respective beds and start laughing uncontrollably.

Once they finally catch their breath Connor takes out the list from his pocket, since his pockets where the only ones with zippers.

"Next one is spend the day in the beach"

"Ah, that one was both of us"

"Aren't all of them both of us?"

Evan rolls his eyes exaggeratedly, Connor huffs a laugh at his reaction, so he tries something else.

"First skirts then swimsuits, are you trying to seduce me?"

Evan flushes at that.

"Oh shut up"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-...-...-.- .-...-..}-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

They wake up very early, so that they can register out of the hotel with time to pick up breakfast at a drive-thru, they actually get from two places because Connor feels like spending his parent's money, and Evan's not going to stop him; he's not very partial to them himself.

One of the breakfast is actually Starbucks, because Connor needs his coffee, the other is McDonald's because Evan likes their orange juice, he's also built somewhat of an appetite while trying to pretend he was doing better.

They drive with the music louder than before, and they don't think they'll ever get rid of the feeling of finally that has fallen upon them. They do this a lot, agree on how they feel about something, it's one of the many reasons why right now, after everything; they are so close to each other.

They stop on a supermarket that serves as a mid-point between them and the nearest beach town, to buy beach supplies, mainly because it's there, though they're going to have to wait until they get to the town if they want a parasol. Connor is still very much intending to waste his parent's money, so he buys two tents, one that's specifically for the beach and the other because he knows Evan too well. They also buy a bunch of snacks, though they are planning on utilizing the beach vendors from most of their food, and a couple puzzle magazines, because that's something people do on the beach.

The move without care, hold themselves like it doesn't matter what happens next, and sure, there's things they want to do before they're gone, and they want some control over how it happens, but they don't mind the idea of dying accidentally.

They make it back to the car, pack everything they bought, and go back to the highway.


	4. IV

Obligatory beach episode my dudes!

I don't even like the beach all that much.

* * *

IV. And I don't wanna go home right now

They stop at a mall to change their clothes, it's a process.

"This is probably the weirdest thing I've ever done"

"It's not that bad as far as weird things go"

Evan gives him a disgusted look, Connor smiles mischievously at him, they both know what Connor is implying, and Evan does not find it funny.

"Do you think we'll find a party willing to give us booze?"

"I mean, we both look like we're in our twenties"

"That's a yes"

"Why are you so set on getting me drunk?"

"Curiosity mainly, I don't trust Kleinman's version"

"You spoke with Jared?"

Evan scrunches his nose as he asks this; Connor thinks it's a proper reaction

"I'm pretty sure the guy had a crush on you"

"Dodged a bullet there"

"What, Kleinman not your type?"

Evan shrugs, Connor leaves it there, mostly because Evan is right there, Evan is doing this with him, and that's all that matters.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-...-...-.- .-...-..}-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

They set up the beach tent a good distance from the water, and take off their shirts so they are on their swimsuits, sparing glances at the other whenever it feels safe. It's been like this for almost as long as they've known each other, and it makes sense that they would, considering what they mean to each other.

In the time they've known each other, they've made the other into their entire universe, into their salvation, and it isn't like they need to voice it, they know, but they haven't acted on it, haven't put a name to whatever it is, they just dance around it like the cowards they are. That's what this is about, that's what it was always about, both of them are too scared to do this alone, so they've made excuses, made schedules, and they found themselves egging each other, and it would get both of them killed, but that's what they want.

The day goes by slowly, one thing after the other, with enough pauses for it to not get overwhelming, they busy themselves with various things; they get in a water fight at some point and end up laughing themselves breathless while lying on sand. They do manage to slip into a beach party, and get drinks, the guys there are all too friendly, and convince them to sit with them around a bonfire, they must be pretty drunk to agree.

"So, what you two doing here?"

A guy asks this, he's big, and honestly pleasing to the eye, Connor thinks his name might be Lloyd; Evan sits straighter besides him.

"We're just enjoying one last year of freedom before college owns our asses"  
Connor is glad for the booze and the fact that these are complete strangers they'll never meet again; because otherwise Evan wouldn't be acting so freely. There's an agreeing chorus of drunken voices at Evan's statement, which make the other shift just a little closer to Connor.

"Are you two together then?"  
This time it's a girl, Connor might be gay, but he can appreciate pretty when he sees it, she has a swimmer's build and copper skin, he thinks her name Grace.

"I wish"

It comes out of Connor's mouth like an afterthought, like a truth, Evan looks very flustered despite the alcohol, but he smiles at Connor, and he's too drunk to worry about it.


	5. V

I just wanted to remind you, that this is really fucked up, all of it

None of this makes any sense geographically, and I refuse to fix it

I just needed to write something with a sad ending

* * *

V. And all I can feel is this moment

Driving with a hangover isn't ideal, but Evan is very careful behind the wheel, so Connor isn't particularly worried. They woke up tangled into one another, not for the first time, but lately it's become harder to pull away, to pretend like they don't enjoy this, like they're not gonna think about it for the better portion of the day; and deep in their heads, behind all the rumble and noise that's pushing them forwards, they know the other feels the same.

For Connor it started back in rehab, on a day where they were allowed to the patio, and Connor saw for the first time the way Evan Hansen looked happy. Every other encounter Evan had been deluded, awkward, distant, unsure, his depression and his anxiety took turns while the place broke whatever spirit he had left; Connor probably didn't help.

For Evan it was slower, it grew over time the closer he got to Connor, the more he learned about the other, he had at one point fancied his sister, but Zoe was normal, she would have stopped Evan, would have given him something to hold on to for a bit, and then when it all fell back on him, she wouldn't get it, he saw the way she acted around Connor, like she could only see how he was affecting her, and not how he was affecting himself. It was when Evan realized that he could see it, and that he cared and understood, that he knew he loved Connor, but that couldn't save either of them.

Driving with a hangover means that they're quiet, and being quiet means there's room for those ridiculous thoughts that linger on the line between philosophical and shower thoughts.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-...-...-.- .-...-..}-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Since they already had the tent, they decided to drive to a camping site, a place where they could show last minute, and bought whatever they didn't already have with them, since it was just the two of them, they had plenty of space in the car.  
Connor was a simple man, one that was impossibly in love with Evan Hansen, and that was a simple thing; in Connor's head Evan was the only one to actually give a shit about him, the only one to be honest with Connor, the only one who didn't run away or push Connor away just because he was different; and the only person to actually understand Connor.

Evan loved forests, loved being surrounded by trees, away from social interaction, and Connor loved Evan; it was that simple. Had it been anyone else, Connor would have worried about one of them flaking, about one of them talking the other down just because of this; but this was Evan, and this was him, and they trusted each other.

Time finds them laying in a clearing, illuminated only by the moon and the stars that have taken over the entirety of the sky, and they're side by side, admiring how miniscule they are in comparison to everything. Evan turns, making eye contact with Connor who follows his example, no questions asked, and he smiles softly, in that way only Evan can, two parts exhausted and broken, one part caring and loving.

"I'm glad I'm doing this with you"

His voice is barely above a whisper, carried by the soft breeze, and he's everything that matters in the universe condensed into one body, and Connor wants the authority to lean over and kiss him, but he doesn't.

"Me too"


	6. VI

This story was not designed to be read while actually listening to Iris by Goo Goo dolls, but you can do it anyways

* * *

VI. And all I can breathe is your life

Evan always felt a bit frustrated with how people worked, but like every rule, it had its exception; one that came in the shape of Connor Murphy. Connor made sense, Connor understood that sometimes Evan didn't want to do words, Connor listened and shared, Connor knew that Evan used contact as a way to make sure things were real but that he never had the guts to initiate when he actually needed it, and Connor never made Evan feel like a disappointment.

It was odd, and made Evan question his mental health, that Evan was so sure of Connor's feelings towards him when it was his nature to second guess everything else. Evan wanted to disappear mainly so he would stop being a bother, but he also wanted to make everything just stop, and he couldn't do that alone; and Connor couldn't either.

They needed each other, it was that easy, and they both knew that relying on each other so much would only make them sink faster, but at some point they agreed that they didn't care. So now, now that they were finally moving towards their goal, now Evan could admit to himself that he was completely and irrevocably in love with Connor.

Connor loved dancing, a love that had to be repressed to protect Connor's heart, but Evan loved Connor, so he made it a point to add a special request to their list, and now here they were.

It was after their camping trip, which lasted three days, and had been entirely for Evan's sake; Connor wouldn't be able to convince him otherwise. They found a place that had thematic dance parties, the one they got tickets for was a 20's style, they were provided with proper clothes, and wasted most of their stay attempting to imitate the more professional couples, but Connor spent the entire night positively beaming, so Evan didn't care.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-...-...-.- .-...-..}-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The hotel had only one room left, one with a single bed, and maybe in the morning accepting it would come to bite them in their asses, but right now any bed was a good bed, and it was a universally known fact that queen/king sized beds were the most comfortable.

They stumble into their night clothes, climb inside the bedsheets, and gravitate towards each other, and all is silent.

In this moment where it feels as though their hearts have synchronized, and their breathings even in harmony; Evan is hit with a memory of a first night spent like this, in a much smaller bed, there had been a lot less smiling that day.

It was on a particularly bad day, back when their plan was still on progress, how Connor managed to sneak from his house to Evan's, and then back later, without anyone noticing would forever remain a mystery. Connor had been shaking when Evan opened the window to him, but it wasn't the cold, Evan had stepped away to let him through, closed the window, and wordlessly leaded him to the bed; it was when he found himself rubbing comforting circles against Connor's back on his too tiny bed that he realized he was in love with Connor.

Now, months later, tangled into the taller boy, Evan almost wondered why it took him so long to realize it; now as he watched Connor failing at staying awake, he wonders how he could have ever thought he loved anyone else.

No, Evan's heart had been Connor's the moment Connor decided to approach him in rehab, and then decided to keep approaching him, and then to befriend Evan, and then to keep that relationship going. Evan fell in love the moment he realized someone cared for him, no strings attached; even if their shared end goal was terminal.


	7. VII

This whole story is ridiculous, and also shitty, I'm aware… but particularly the second one

If I get overly poetic blame it on the lack of content in this tag, I'm getting inspiration from somewhere else

It's not really a road trip until someone starts singing and suddenly everyone in the car has joined, I don't make the rules

VII. 'Cause sooner or later it's over

They were on the highway again, but now the music was louder, and air was lighter, and at some point one of them had broken the tension and started singing, and Connor would be hard pressed to say who it was, but they were singing now, drunk with laughter, following the words of artists; it was an experience.

They go to some road attractions, buy some extremely unnecessary and frankly useless things, and get into all sorts of shenanigans that don't really involve anyone but the two of them, and only gets them into trouble once, but it's easily resolved.

It happens because they're surrounded by people, Connor is beautiful, and Evan forgets that he isn't the only one who can see this. It happens because Evan is extremely nice, and a treat to the eyes and Connor isn't the only person to find him attractive.

Jealousy isn't something they had to deal with before, the people at school already had an image of them, and them spending time together didn't help it. The people at the beach party had thought they were together.

The complete strangers with nothing to lose are different, and they're worrying, because while they trust each other and the relationship that they've built, they don't trust other people not to get under their skins and ruin everything; they can't let it happen. And it's hard, to see it happen, even when they know where they stand, and what they mean to each other, it's hard to know they're replaceable; because they are, and that's the whole point, isn't it?

What does it matter that whenever he sees a guy flirting with Connor, Evan wants to stride over and kiss the other just to prove a point?

What does it matter that every time someone shows interest in Evan, Connor has to fight the urge to put an arm around his waist and glare at whoever is talking to him?

At the end of the day, none of them can really get here, none of them can really stop them, and at the end of this, none of them will matter either.


	8. VIII

I'm doing shorter chapters because it feels better, and fits with the whole crappiness of the idea

For moments I stop and ask myself if any of this makes sense, then I remember I know nothing abt how things work in the US and just give up

This is the whole package deal!

VIII. I just don't wanna miss you tonight

The next thing on their list is to spend an entire day with someone they care about. Originally it was written with other people in mind, Evan would've spent his with his mom, and Connor would've spent his with Zoe; but the last year has made them bitter, and with things as they are, they might as well be it for each other.

They don't want to think about the people who could've been something, so they concentrate instead on the ones who are everything, right here, right now.

They go to a town, and do things that could be dates, could be hang outs, would've been more meaningful back in their hometown, but it doesn't matter anymore. And there isn't much they don't already know about each other, but they still find things to talk about, or they let the silence fill the space, because it can't get heavy anymore either.

One radio station is kind of a whole show, they play decent music though, and the commentary was ok for background sound. The program was about some event that had to do with love, or something of the style, because the parting words hit home.

"If you knew you only had one chance to say something to that one person, what would it be?"

Evan parks the car, shutting off the radio completely, but the words are still there, hanging in the air between them.

"Connor?"

He blinks, only then realizing that he's zooned out.

"Yeah?"

"You with me?"  
His lips are dry, and there are words brushing against his teeth, but he doesn't say them.

"Yeah"


	9. IX

I have given up any pretense that this is well done in any way, shape or form; though I believe that pretending like the US has the same rules for casinos as Argentina is the lesser evil here

IX. And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Vegas was a ridiculous idea; something outside of who both of them were, something that simply fell into the category of things to do before dying. But it was fun, it a rushed, kind of way.

The hotel they stayed at had a casino, and Connor knew a bunch about the games, he almost convinced Evan of scamming the place before Evan reminded him that they had to sleep there.

"I mean, we could always go to a different one if that's what you want, I'm not sure why we added this place into the list"

"It was back when I was trying to get you to do stupid shit because I thought you were a good boy"  
"Ah, right, that makes sense"

"I really wasn't expecting you to jump at the first chance to break some rules"

"If it makes you feel any better, I wanted to do that before meeting you"

"Aw, are you saying I'm not a bad influence?"  
Evan takes a step closer, and Connor feels like something broke between them, something that had been on the edge for too long.

"I think, you're exactly what I needed in my life, but a terrible influence"  
And if this is really it, if this is the moment in which this gets solved, then Connor is going to be brash about it, so there's no chance of backing out. He moves even closer, until he feels Evan's breath against his skin, and he lets a hand cradle Evan's face.

"I'm gonna kiss you now"

"Please do"

And then he does, and it's everything, but it's not, it doesn't change anything, and Connor wasn't expecting it to, but it does change things, and it feels like finally, and it's theirs, and it's anything but perfect, but it is.

"You know what we could do here?"  
"What?"

"Get married"  
"Oh my god"

"But it'd be perfect, because it's you, and it's me, and it won't change anything, but I want something real for however long we have left, and I want it with you"

Evan smiles, a hundred and one emotions cursing through his eyes, and it's a crappy excuse for a confession, but Connor means every word, and that's what matters.

"Ok"  
"Yeah?"

"Of course"


	10. X

I regret this so much, but damn if I won't see it through

All I know about Vegas is what TV series have told me, so there's that

I'm so glad no one is actually reading this

* * *

X. Or the moment of truth in your lies

They're high on a feeling that they can't voice, it fills their entire being like a wave of warmth and excitement, and their voices are laugh laced, and their eyes are bright, and they feel like floating.

They find a place that doesn't ask any questions, buy a pair of cheap rings, it doesn't really matter; they don't need something to last more than a few months.

Connor tells the priest that they have their own vows, and he glances back at Evan, who had always been the better with words of the two, and he's smiling at Connor softly, pleasantly surprised that Connor remembers that he always wanted to do original vows, if he ever got married.

"When I imagined getting married, I never pictured this, but now, I can't think of any other way, or anyone else, I'd rather share this moment with"

And there are many unsaid parts, things that he's shown daily, through actions and words, through caring, and worrying, and understanding, and loving.

"I never thought I would get something like this, and I'm so glad that out of everyone in the world, I'm marrying you"

Maybe, if their meeting had been any different, if they're minds were any better, this would've happened much later, surrounded by people, or maybe not at all. Maybe the only way for them to get close is by sharing this one thing in common, maybe Connor would've never approached Evan, maybe Evan would've never gotten over Zoe; maybe they would've both found some moment to try again, and maybe they would've succeeded.

But the maybes and the what ifs don't matter anymore, because this is the life they're living, the life they'll leave behind; and when the priest tells them to kiss they meet halfway, and it doesn't fix things, it barely even changes anything at all, because they both loved each other this whole time, and they've known, but now they are free to show it.


	11. XI

I know about the gondolas in Vegas due to cake boss, so there's that

* * *

XI. When everything feels like the movies

"What's left on the list?"

"We only have three things left"

"It's not really sailing, but we could ride a gondola here"

"Are you sure? That's one of yours"  
"You took me to a camping trip, and we shared a sunset in the beach, I think we can cut some corners"  
"I liked camping"  
"Not as much as dancing"  
"I knew you did that for me!"  
"In my defense, I had a lot of fun on that one"

"God, we've been married for a day and we're already having ridiculous arguments"

"Oh my god"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-...-...-.- .-...-..}-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Did you know they refuse to put suicide railings on the Golden Gate because of aesthetic?"

"That sounds like something they would do"

"We should go there"  
"Do you think it'll change anything?"

"Does it matter?"  
"No, I guess it doesn't"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-...-...-.- .-...-..}-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Why did we think going the scenic route would be better?"  
"We hate ourselves"  
"That doesn't answer my question"  
"Something along the lines of 'we have the rest of our lives', if I remember correctly"

"Next time I say something like that, please bring me to my senses"  
"Hey, I let you convince me, we're both at fault"  
"I can't blame you, I'm too good at convincing people"  
"Ok, I'm not gonna fight you on that one"  
"Thank you"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-...-...-.- .-...-..}-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Hey, we forgot something on the list"

"..."

"Evan"  
"Look, it's just… I don't want you to feel like you have to, because it's something that should be, uh… good?"  
"I was the one who wrote it"  
"No, I know, but, that was back when we just started the whole friendly act, so-"

"Evan"

"Yeah?"  
"I still wanna do this"  
"Oh"

"Only if you want to"

"I, uh… I do"  
"Ok, cool"


	12. XII

I have no idea how sex actually works, I just went for what most smut stories say it's like, but with more talking involved

* * *

XII. Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

They buy what they need, and get a room with a single bed, on purpose this time, and it's a whole thing.

"Are you sure about this? You can always back out"

"I'm sure"  
"Ok, ok"  
Connor licks his lips, Evan pulls him into a harsh kiss, demanding, and Connor kisses back desperately, heart on his throat. The part ways, panting, and Evan looks at Connor through hooded eyes, and Connor kisses him again, hands grabbing at Evan's waist , hands curling through Connor's hair in a way that shouldn't feel so good, lips parting, tongues dancing.

The next thing he knows, he has Evan pinned against a wall, cheeks flushed, pupils dilated, and kiss swollen lips; and Connor realizes what's about to happen. A gentle hand breaks him out of his trail of thought, and he meets with lake green eyes.

"Hey, you ok?"  
He feels tears in his eyes, and he isn't sure why exactly he's crying, Evan smiles warmly at him and wipes them off, so soft and careful.  
"Sorry"  
"Don't, take your time"  
"God, what did I ever do to deserve you?"

"Ditto"  
Connor snorts, caught unguarded; while Evan is grinning proudly, Connor kisses his stupid grin. It's slower this time, Connor is testing, trying the ground so he doesn't fall, and after a bit he grows confident enough to leave Evan's lips and concentrate on his neck.

Connor pulls his shirt off, followed by Evan's, stopping for a moment to trace each other's abdomens, greedy hands and greedy eyes. Evan starts working on his pants, he's one for cold decisions on times like these, Connor helps speeding the process, then helps getting rid of his, leaving them both in their underwear.

Evan's the one to initiate the kiss this time, pulling his body against Connor's and making both of them moan at the contact, Connor has to hold them both when they almost lose balance.

It happens in flashes, moving closer to the bed, then there's an awkward pause, and it's such a rarity to them that it causes them to laugh.

"I uh, I have no idea what I'm doing"

"Uhm… I ah- I do? I mean, I may or may not have researched, so, you know"  
"I should've guessed Kleinman would rub on you"  
"He was all I really had for like, eleven years"

"Only eleven?"  
"You kind of appeared in my life before he got the twelfth"

"Fair"

"Get the lube, I'll walk you through it"  
"Not one for taking charge?"  
"I… may or may not have experimented"

"Oh my god"

Connor has this shit eating grin, and Evan swats him in the arm, mock angry, completely flustered.

"Go, grab a condom too"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-...-...-.- .-...-..}-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"You want to warm it first"

"Am I going to- ?"

"Yep"

"Jesus"  
"I know"  
"I… does that, you know, feel good?"  
"Yes"  
"Oh"

"…"  
"Did you, try it with someone or- ?"  
"You're my first?"  
"Christ… that' a mental image"  
"Go slow at first… y-yeah, like that, you're ah- trying to widen it?"

"Right"  
"That's ah~, really good"

"…"  
"You should, add another, a-and, god, scissor them"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-...-...-.- .-...-..}-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Push in slowly"  
"Jesus, you feel so- god"  
"You're ah- you're really good too"

"Fuck, don't stop"  
"You're so hot when you curse"

"Hush"

"…"  
"Con!"  
"You ok?"

"Do that again"

"Oh"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-...-...-.- .-...-..}-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"That was-"

"Yeah"  
"And you were-"  
"Yeah"  
"God, I love you"

"You ok?"  
"I love you too"

"O-oh"


	13. XIII

This story does not have a happy ending

* * *

XIII. And I don't want the world to see me

"Morning"

"It doesn't look like it"

"I let you sleep in, considering… you know"

"…"  
"Sure, laugh at me"

"Oh, come here"

"…"

"Con"

"Hm?"

"Look at me"

"…"

"I love you"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-...-...-.- .-...-..}-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"I think it's Easter"

"Are you sure?"

"Do you know any other celebration with these many eggs?"  
"Fair point"

"Want to buy a chocolate egg?"  
"Do I get to break it?"

"Sure"

"Let's do it"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-...-...-.- .-...-..}-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Those guys have been glaring at us since we stepped in"

"I noticed"  
"I uhm… I'm gonna do something stupid"  
"Are you gonna fight them?"  
"Yes"

"Ev, I love you"

"But?"  
"They're gonna destroy you, and that's kind of my job"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"That sounded better in my head"

"I love you"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-{-...-...-.- .-...-..}-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"We should wait until early morning"

"Early enough to still be dark?"

"Yes"

"Should we leave a note?"

"I… I want to? You don't have to, but-"

"Your mom"

"Yeah"

"Do you think she would've liked me?"

"My opinion on you is a bit biased"

"You're lucky I love you"


	14. XIV

Guess what's coming to an end? If you guessed this story, you win

There's no prize

* * *

XIV. 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

That day, Zoe Murphy receives a text message from Evan during the afternoon, a picture of Connor and Evan holding a chocolate egg, and the words 'happy Easter', and when she sees the rings she decides to keep it to herself.

That day the rest of the Murphy family prepare to celebrate Easter themselves, but both Larry and Cynthia receive a more monotone version of the message, no pictures attached.

Heidi Hansen does get a picture that day, but it's of an already broken egg, with the caption 'mistakes were made', and then a few emoticons, she laughs to herself when she notices Connor sent it. She does get a 'happy Easter' from her son latter.

There are no warning signs, no pre-emptive apologies, nothing that gives away what this day will be for them from now on; it's the last act before the curtain call.

~^~^~^~^~^~[POV change]~^~^~^~^~

In the first hours of the day, all is quiet; everyone seems to have gone home because not a single car passes by as they make their way through the bridge.

They've left the things in the car, the note hidden somewhere hard to find, just in case, though they doubt this will fail.

 _"_ _If you knew you only had one chance to say something to that one person, what would it be?"_

They're both standing on the edge, one hand holding them there, the other holding onto the other's hand. Connor plays with Evan's ring as they both take in the scenery, before turning to him.

"Ready?"

"Yeah"

"Hey, I love you"

"I love you too"

They let go, of the railing, hands squeezing each other, and then they jump.


	15. XV

XV. When everything's meant to be broken

Dear Heidi Hansen:

Mom, what Connor and I are planning isn't something you'd agree with, I know, but if you're reading this it means we succeeded. I don't think I can bring myself to apologize for this and actually mean it, because the truth is that I thought about it almost constantly.

Perhaps, if the situation were different, I would tell you everything that brought me here, but I'm not thinking about those things anymore, I just want to end this.

But mom? If you want to put the blame in anyone, blame me; I'm the one who came up with the plan, who wrote down the list, but please, please, don't blame Connor. He's gonna write now, so... yeah.

* * *

Hey Ms. Hansen.

I'm not good at this kind of thing; I don't think I've ever been. But I couldn't really think of anyone else to give my last words to, so... here we are.

I'm sorry I tricked you into liking me, and I'm sorry I'm dragging Evan down with me, but I can't do this alone, I can't. I didn't lie when I said Evan meant a lot to me, I wish I could tell you how much, but I know you aren't the only one who'll see this; don't try to deny it.

And if you really are, then that means I was right about everything, doesn't it? Evan's right, it's really hard to say this kind of thing to you, but, I couldn't say it to anyone else either.

In the end, it's because we're tired. Tired of trying, tired of pretending, tired of holding on.

So, if nothing else, we want you to decide which parts of us to keep here, burn the rest, let it go. If you hold onto it you'll end up here, and we don't want that, don't do this, it's never a good idea, we know this, but we're so tired.

In this last year, we lived for every year we didn't, but you don't have to do that, you actually really shouldn't do that. Take this, and live, and if you need to tell yourself that it's for us, then we don't mind.

But there's nothing left to say to us, not if your reading this letter, but don't worry, we had each other, in the end, we weren't alone.

Sincerely

Evan and Connor


	16. XVI

So, we've reached the end of our journey

XVI. I just want you to know who I am

When someone is gone...

Do they hear the screaming matches that happen between those who loved them?

Do they listen as they pass the blame around like it's a stone on fire?

Everyone ends up getting burned.

We know so little yet so much about death. It's our number one contradiction, the thing we never talk about yet all of us think.

Heidi Hansen receives the letter, both of them had decided that out of everyone, she was the one that should have it. It's a surprisingly well written piece, sad as its words are, and she re-reads it a thousand times, until she can see the words behind her eyelids.

Evan was a hypocrite, he had chosen the easy way out, but practically forbade Heidi from following in his footsteps. But she, as his mother, saw the truth in his words, and clung onto it so she could keep on living.

Heidi Hansen gets involved with programs and people, so that what happened to his son doesn't repeat, and sometimes she's successful, and others she's not, but she refuses to stop trying.

The Murphys only know of the letter because Heidi allowed Zoe a copy of her brother's last words. She shoves it in her mom's hands and storms into her bedroom, not to read it until three years later, when the anger has dimmed enough for her not to rip it in pieces.

Connor doesn't speak to her, and neither does Evan, as the letter was meant only for Heidi. There's no reassurances to find in it, but she can see what no one else can, she sees their love, and her heart breaks a little.

Love isn't a solution, it's not a cure, because if it were then Evan and Connor would still be standing here, would've come back from their trip hand in hand, beaming at each other, but they didn't.

Zoe Murphy writes down everything she reads between lines, writes a love song out of a tragedy, and then she writes one with angry tears, and then she writes one about forgiveness. She shares them with the world, and they go viral, and eventually she tells the story that brought them to life.

Cynthia and Larry Murphy learn to rely on each other, to hold on to all the good, and to learn from all the bad; they never really get closure of Connor, and they visit him on his birthday without fail, and they try to make something out of his last words, words that weren't meant for them to see, and they know how heavily that weights on their actions.

What happens when someone is gone?


End file.
